Manfacturing Company Reports That it is Hiring, not Laying Off
CNN (CRANK NEWS NETWORK) — A Dayton, Ohio company that once made seat cushions for the automobile industry but recently switched to manufacturing urine-proof liners for birdcages and kitty litter boxes says that, despite large companies all over the U.S. laying off thousands and tens of thousands of workers, it is “in hiring mode.”
“But please don’t print our name or contact information,” said the harassed human resource manager. “We already have over 40,000 application in, and we don’t need any more.”
According to a source close to the company’s C.E.O., “One of the main impetuses behind our growth is the shrinkage of daily newspapers. That’s what people used to use to line birdcages and kitty litter boxes and also to wrap fresh fish purchases. But today’s newspapers are so thin that millions are turning to our product instead.”
While the company would not reveal specifics of the job opening, which reportedly has drawn applications from former stockbrokers, former investment bankers, and former hedge fund managers, we spoke with several applicants who described the salary as “minimum wage,” and noted that the successful applicant was expected to have a post-graduate education, 20+ years as a Perl or Python programmer, knowledge of MS office and carburetor rebuilding, and to be able to lift 50 pounds or more.
“But please,” the HR director asked once again, “do not use our company’s name in your story. Times are so tough out there that we already have many highly-qualified applicants. Aren’t there any other companies out there that are also hiring?
Sadly, the HR director anwered his own question: “No.”
And then he terminated the interview, because that was the moment his boss walked in and told him to pack his personal belongings because he was being laid off, effective immediately.