Why Christianity is More Popular than Judaism
I had a revelation one evening at a Walgreens Drug Store in Bradenton, which I suppose is as good a place to have a revelation as any. It was about Jesus, Passover, and Easter. In a flash, I suddenly realized why Christianity is popular and Judaism is not. (Note: I wrote this piece in 2006, but decided it was worth running again for those who may have missed it the first time around.)
It’s the candy!
Forget all that resurrection and salvation stuff. None of it was on display in the Walgreens that pre-Easter day. What was on display, like mad, was Easter candy.
I saw chocolate candy, jelly beans, marshmallow candy, chick-shaped candy, egg-shaped candy, and bunny-shaped candy. Shelf after shelf of candy. Not a single piece was in the shape of Jesus or a cross. But candy bunnies, chocolate and otherwise, were everywhere.
Jesus H. Rabbit!
My friend Mongog, who was with me on the fateful Walgreens expedition, pointed out that the “H” stands for “Harvey.”
Yes, Jesus H. Rabbit, not some stinky Jewish dissident who lived during Roman times, is the real hero of Easter. He was put into a tomb (or perhaps a retail display case) and came out of it on the third day in the form of a chocolate bunny.
Upon his rising, it was found that his tomb (or possibly his display case or even his basket; the Gospel of St. See’s is unclear on this point) was miraculously filled with candy eggs and marshmallow chicks.
Wise men from Asia, not to mention children from miles around, came to praise Jesus H. Rabbit — and to eat the candy.
Yum!
Hallelujah, even!
Meanwhile, the Jews ate bitter herbs
Down the road, at the local Passover celebration (Seder) held a few days before the resurrection of Jesus H. Rabbit, they served bitter herbs. And tasteless matzoh. And wine and other healthy things, which did not appeal to the children nearly as much as candy, especially since there was a lot of boring ritual stuff that accompanied the meal.
After sitting through a Seder, then witnessing the wonders of Jesus H. Rabbit, all the children made their choice.
“Candy!” they cried, “Give us candy, not bitter herbs!”
No Jewish holidays are much fun
No kid wants to be a Jew at Christmas, or as it is more widely known these days in the U.S., Santa Day. All those malls pushing cool stuff, and all the Christian parents maxing out their credit cards to buy it all, seem awfully attractive to a Jewish kid who will probably get nothing but a stupid little toy top for Hannukah.
And even the insipid Dreidel game played at Hannukah is so loaded with ritual that it’s no fun. Given a choice between a Dreidel and a Genuine Disney GI Barbie Nerfatomic Outer Space Blastatronic Fashion Model Attack Playset (batteries not included), even the most Orthodox kid in the world will ditch the traditional toy in favor of the modern one.
There are two main kinds of Jewish holidays:
* Evil oppressors tried to kill us all. Some of us escaped. Let’s daven!
* Evil oppressors enslaved us. Some of us escaped. Let’s daven!
Purim is the only decent Jewish feast, with costumes and parades. The rest kind of suck.
Learn from the Pagans
This is the Christian secret: Their coolest holidays are really Pagan holidays with some new paint splashed on them.
I have no problem with this. In fact, since I take a generally ecumenical approach to religion, I see no reason why we can’t all celebrate all holidays, both religious and secular.
I especially look forward to Towel Day, a celebration that for sure deserves all kinds of candy, feasting, drinking, and cool parties that could make it way more fun than Easter — or even Saturnalia.