Republican Politician Rumored to be Straight and Happily Married
ROBLIMO NEWS NETWORK — According to a source whose name can’t be used because the Republican National Committee wants us to believe members of the GOP (Grand Obsolete Party) are all hip-hop-loving metrosexual swingers with South American girlfriends, and also enjoy orgies with teenage male Congressional pages, a highly-placed Republican official has supposedly admitted being not only straight, but also happily and faithfully married.
Efforts to track down this paragon have been unsuccessful so far, but Huffington Post reporters are frantically searching for him. One told us, “It’s only a matter of time until we find him,” and pointed out that it’s almost always a “family values thunderer or most conservative yahoo” who is caught with a hooker, underage boy, campaign worker’s wife or Argentine honey-babe, “which narrows the field considerably.”