I swear, these modern “family values” people are too silly for words. Take that Mark Sanford guy, for example. He claims to be some sort of conservative, but when it comes to marriage he obviously has some new-fangled, heretical beliefs. I mean, what’s the traditional, 100% God-sanctioned method of dealing with lust? You marry her, right? If you already have a wife, no problem. The new honey becomes your Junior Wife and the one you already had is now Senior Wife.

This worked for countless Jews — and pagans, too — for thousands of years. Nobody whined about it, nobody tried to pass laws defining marriage as this or that because everyone knew what marriage was: a guy grabbing off all the women he could afford.

Liberals (I think most of them call themselves ‘Rebublicons’) who complain about a powerful man wanting more than one wife are just plain stupid. They don’t realize that when they do things God’s way, life goes better. There are, like rules to follow. Don’t eat pork; don’t light candles between sunset Friday and sunset Saturday; don’t lust after your neighbor’s goat, wife or other possessions; be good to your slaves… it’s all written down for you sillies to read. You can even find it on the Internet.

So marry Maria already, Mark. She has two kids, you have four. You buy some bunk beds, the women take turns sleeping with you and sleeping in a guest room, you pick up a little extra food each week at the grocery store. No big deal. Your lust is fulfilled, everybody’s happy.

See how easy life is when you do things God’s way?

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